Love. I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately. In April, my mother got married. In May, my brother is getting married. There have been a few other weddings here and there of my friends, of my friends’ friends. Some of them I witness, some of them I see in pictures after the fact. For a long time I’ve put this word exactly where I felt it needed to be: tucked away on the shelf. I felt very little need to deal with all that.
So here I am, 25 years old, and just now pulling love off the shelf to attempt to figure out its intricately layered… concept.
Step One: Loving Me! I laid it all out on the table. All of my strengths? Fabulous! All of my weaknesses? Ehh… not so fabulous. All of my quirks? Random. All of my problems? This is where things got ugly. So I put some cookies in the oven, made some tea, and sat back down.
Random thoughts that crossed my mind while drinking tea and smelling cookies…
I have two ways of thinking about trust. 1) I trust until given a reason not to. 2) Once given a reason not to, I won’t. I can be mature enough to forgive, but that doesn’t mean I have to let someone back in. Feelings. I have a weird way of dealing with feelings. I grew up in the harsh environment of the dance world. My teachers didn’t hold back their thoughts on anything about me, my talent, my work ethic or ability. When I went home, my mother didn’t spare my emotions either. It was always a morning vitamin with a hard dose of reality to wash it down with. I carry that with me today. If I notice something… I’m going to say it, even if I haven’t thought it through, and even if I haven’t thought about the feelings it will provoke. I’m painfully honest. I ask way too many questions. The more I ask, the more I know, but that’s not always a good thing. The cookies smell delicious. I’ve been by myself for along time. I work all of the time. I have big dreams. To make those dreams happen, I must work harder. How do you love and work that hard? How do you love and make your business goals arrive at the same destination? I’m a complete perfectionist. I get overwhelmed, and it’s always my fault because I can’t say no. There’s so much I need to… work on… about myself.
I pull my lap top over to me. I know exactly what I need to do.
“What is love?” Search.
“Love is one of the hardest questions for the mankind.” Well, great. I’m not looking for the answer for the mankind, I’m looking for the answer for me, the Sheena! There’s always the Bible verse that provides great guidance…
None of this was working. Granted, I know what I feel when I’m with my dance students, when I see my mother, and when I’m with my boyfriend. Those are all different types of love. So I’m not looking for the definition of a feeling, I was looking for the logistics of it! How do you keep this love thing living and breathing and beautiful?
Step Two: Realizing life changes, and accepting that is a cause+effect relationship, so with that comes love changing.
With people getting married and moving their life into new directions, I am watching this cause and effect relationship unfold, and I am watching the ripples effect my life as well. It has sparked all of the inevitable questions: What is love? Is it worth it? What if it doesn’t work out? How big is love? How small is love? Love can’t pay bills, so then what? How do I deal with this love thing?
It has made me question my own approach at love, and I’ve come to the following conclusion of where I am in the process of discovery.
I am still learning what love will mean and be to me. I am still working on my personal definition; one that Google won’t be able to index.
And I’m OK with that!
This summer I will be taking Yoga classes, and the main thing I’m focused on: Me, myself and I. Because I owe it to myself to find my center, to find my focus, and my inner strength so that I can continue to define love and what that means to my life.
To all of those people supporting me along the way… you mean the world to me.