Uprooted to Find

I have monthly check-ins with myself. Occasionally, during concentrated times of growth, I go back and read the check-ins.

October 2015, I wrote: 

I’ve been totally uprooted. I thought I knew what I wanted, needed and where I was going. Turns out, I guess I was wrong. I feel thrown off track, professionally and personally. That has been refreshing. But that has also been very lonely. It has made me ask myself the tough questions. It has made me swallow a tough pill. I have watched as people I love tell me everything I’ve missed. I’ve been totally uprooted.

November 2015, I wrote: 

I am stronger. I am closer to God. I am more firm in my conviction to turn away from fear, worry and anxiety about my future. I am good exactly where I am. I am loved, exactly where I am. I feel sturdy and content. I am seeking nothing. I am listening to myself more and hearing the call to love myself more, be kinder to myself more. I am putting all of my efforts into developing an immense capacity for love and understanding. I am here to observe and participate in joy. 

feet

“And hope does not disappointment us, because God has poured his love into our hearts.” {Romans 5:5}

Cirrus clouds are being blown by strong westerly winds 18,000 feet above the ground. These winds are vicious and the clouds contain ice crystals that are being pushed by heavy winds, leaving streaks across the sky. Through all of that atmospheric chaos, we never feel the strain; from earth, it appears graceful.

So much of life takes place in our head. If everything in your mind is stormy and chaotic, your life will exhibit exactly those traits. When you are caught up in committing mini-aggressions toward yourself (like skipping meals because you “don’t have time,” or missing an important family event “because you just have to” or negotiating with yourself that you don’t need sleep”because you have so much work to do”) you are committing mini-agressions. You are starving yourself. You are depriving yourself. You are pushing yourself beyond what’s healthy. Suddenly, from earth, your life no longer appears graceful. You no longer appear graceful because you no longer feel it.

You can’t feel confident until your brain believes it. The opposite of confidence is insecurity. It has taken me time and concentrated effort to feel confident in my worth as a human being (and not just in my worth as a productive, working human being). I used work as a guard to keep me safe because I was insecure in my personal life. I didn’t know how to show and receive love, but I knew how to achieve greatness in my work! I didn’t know how to make space for someone else but I knew how to schedule a staff of 100+ people!

In those months from October 2015 – November 2015, I have learned that using work as my guard to understanding a personal journey with myself and using my work as a deterrent to accept an adventure with a partner is no longer serving me.

“Here’s what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is. There are no prerequisites to ‘I am enough.'” {courage works} 

 

Practicing love – to myself and to others – has always made me feel the opposite of confident. When do I not feel confident?

  • When I don’t know what I want
  • When I don’t know the decision that needs to be made
  • When I start to doubt my feelings or thoughts on a decision

But facing my fear head on has already made me an entirely different person just from October 2015 – November 2015. I am curious what December 2015 will look like!

My questions for you? 

What mini-aggressions are you committing to yourself and to others? What are you feeling right now that’s dragging you down? How can you defeat it? What fear-based decision are you still living out to this day?

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